ADHD Personified...That's Me

We have two alarm systems at school--one for the high school and one for the middle school. I hate the middle school alarm--it takes FOREVER--and I don't know the code, so I have to use my cheat sheet. I got to work today and turned off the high school alarm as usual and went to my room to get my m.s. code. Well, that was a doomed attempt. As soon as I walked in to my room, I was assaulted by the piles upon piles of stuff that had to be dealt with--Halloween stuff everywhere, craft stuff out from mask projects in elementary school classes...just overwhelming. Soooo, I forgot to get the code and turn off the alarm.

Unless someone goes into the m.s., this isn't an issue, but naturally this was the day that I decided to go unpack a box of novels that I've had about a month just sitting in the floor. And they go in the book room in the m.s., so off I go to unpack. Never even thought about the silent alarm alerting sonitrol, who in turn notified the sheriff's departmet, who in turn notified the principal. My first sign that something was amiss was Mrs. Cook peering into my classroom and asking Jay if he'd been out in the middle school. As soon as she said it, I knew what I'd done. Talk about embarrassing. Then I had to explain to the deputy that I'm an idiot.

So, this week, I will be memorizing the middle school alarm code to avoid further incident. In all my spare time, of course.

File Under "Typical Kim"

I can make just about anything costume-wise when needed. Once a year, I put my parents $40K+ spent on my tuition at UT for my theatre arts degree to use and do up the kids for Halloween and/or haunted houses. Sometimes, though, I have a bit of a brain fart. Pictoral evidence provided. The worst part? Jay told me that the peace symbol had another line and I totally blew him off. Normally I'd check that sort of thing, but it was late, I was tired and all my good paint brushes were at school (hence the ragged ass looking circle).

I redeemed myself on Five's Swine Flu costume. Have to get some pictures to post of that one. And pictures of the skeleton zombie and dead scarecrow will follow. I guess even the best have to falter from time to time.

Note to Self:

After two days of 8 hrs + at work, 4.5 inch heels on boots (or, ugh, booties) are officially your limit. I don't care how cute they are or how much they get your butt off your thighs, when you can't move your toes at the end of the day, moderation has to be considered.

They are sooooooo awesome, though. Seriously awesome. I just need to doctor up the insides a bit and then wear them on shorter work days. And NOT on bowling practice days. That will make it all better, no?

Dust, Sweep, Clean, Polish

Just clearing off the cobwebs on the blog...that, my friends, is the most domestic shit I've done in like months. I've become this weird useless sluglike creature who resides on her couch with a laptop on one leg and the remote on the other. It would somewhat acceptable if I was generating anything of literary worth whatsoever, but I'm not--I have a million plus chips in Zynga poker, some kick-ass houses on Yoville and I am a Boss in NYC on Mafia Wars, plus some weird levels in Cuba and Moscow that I couldn't begin to name. Add on all the comments, likes, and stupid quizzes I have taken and it's safe to say that I could have written a novel with the total number of characters entered on Facebook in the past year. That? Is unacceptable.

So now I think I'll just blog and talk to myself since anyone that read here has long since given up. I'm back to square one...a little depressing since I've been blogging for years and more years before most people even knew what the damn word meant. Oh, how the mighty have fallen...ROFLMAO!

O.M.G.

I honestly did not believe that I would feel this much better post-op. Once you've hurt non-stop for a certain period of time, you forget what it's like to be 'normal'. I don't remember anything in the recovery room other than hearing a nurse say, 'dilaudid', but when I returned to my room and woke up, the first thing I said was, 'I don't hurt anymore'. It is unbelievable the difference.

Today I'm more stiff and sore, which is to be expected considering what was done, but it is like a nagging stiff neck/muscle ache not a blinding, life-altering pain that can't be contained. HUGE difference. I can't even put it into words.

I'm camping out at MIL's for the rest of this week to rest and recover. I feel much better than I expected, so I can totally see myself going home and overdoing stuff. If I'm here, I don't have a choice but to sit around and do nothing. I think I'm going to go home and get some pictures or something to sort out, though, to help stave off the boredom.

Now that this ugly chapter of life is behind me, maybe I can actually blog again. Typing isn't causing shooting pains in my arms or making my triceps burn, so it looks promising :-).

Thanks again for all the well-wishes. I appreciate them so very much!!

The Day Has Come!

Thank God--I couldn't have survived another day. Not one more. I'm about to head out to the hospital.

My personal life has imploded around me, but I really feel like to day is the beginning something really GOOD. I just have to get through this week--it's going to suck, but it can't possibly be as bad as the past month (or five years).

The Lure of Versed.........

at this point, the thought of a nice dose of versed is about all that's keeping me sane and out of the ER. gonna be a looooong weekend, but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thank god!

Whine Time With Kimmah

I've had a high rolerance for pain for years-this i knew. after awhile you just make it work. this pain, though, goes nowhere. Lortab takes the edge off of it, but that's it. many nights and  mornings it's at an 8 on the pain scale. after I've worked too much or have to ride in a car the pain intensifies to a 9 bordering a 10. I don't scream, but I do yell. nothing abates it. suddenly I have a new appreciation and empathy for those people who live with chronic pain. I'm lucky that mine can probably be diminished if not totally eradicated. that is such a blessing. I can't live like this much longer.

Time Flies!

when I scheduled surgery, it seemed like a lifetime away. now that I'm off work, the shoulder and arm don't hurt as much, so time doesn't seem as interminable. I just have to take it easy and not wear myself out. I'm not gonna get everything done, but I am making progress. sadly no one would be able to tell other than me considering the disreputable state of every room, but it's a victory in my brain anyway.

my right arm is noticeably smaller run my left. when did this happen? is the erosion of muscle what is causing this ungodly pain that no amount of lortab can diminish? I don't know, but I cannot wait to start PT and workout postop. I just haven't had the energy to so much of anything in soooooo long. gonna measure when I find my tale measure. it's going to be depressing.

on a positive note, I ordered stuff to wear around after surgery from old navy. three camis, couple of tops and a pair of yoga pants. why is it that I'm a medium or large on top (I try to avoid skin tight, so I size up. I'm. little old for the cut of most old navy tops) and an xl on bottom? old navy pants depress me, LOL. the cami colors are fabulous. I may order a couple more.

Two More Weeks

frankly, I don't think I can make it and maintain my sanity. I have, at least, figured out that I simply can't sleep lying down anywhere close to flat. After having a good cry and a full Lortab (I'd been taking a half ever two hours instead of a full one every four hours), I have realized that I'm going to have to come up with a better plan than sitting my dead, slug ass on the couch and feeling sorry for myself. It's becoming pretty obvious that I'm NOT going to be able to work as much as I had hoped on my summer school contract, so I'm going to get on the phone and see what kind of solution I can come up with at work and then call the surgeon's office and see if we can rethink the date. The sooner I get this behind me, the better. And then some.

This week isn't optional, though, at least not thru Thursday, so I'm going to get up and get it underway so I can wrap up this year from Hell and focus on different ways to eradicate the horror from my memory. Step one? Finish getting my grades done and get my classroom cleared out.

"I'd give my right arm for that"...NOT

For ages, that used to be one of my favorite hyperbole expressions. At random times I've offered my right arm to have a snow day, be able to wear a size 6, go to NYC, find the remote control, etc. I never really thought too much about such an expression until three weeks ago when BAM! I couldn't use my right arm. Well, I can still use it, but I can't raise it, extend it, lift heavy weight or control it like normal. Needless to say it was a bit of a freak-out for me.

For years--at least since the late 90s, I've had mystery back pain that would come and go and generally make my life hell. I've also what I thought was arthritis in my hands, carpal tunnel, undetermined back pain that made standing painful and constant feelings that I was 'carrying' all my stress in my neck. I've moaned and groaned online for a decade--no one could ever tell me what was wrong. I've had, in no particular order:

MRI-brain, lumbar back, cervical spine, thoracic spine, some three time
Nuclear bone scan
CT scan
xrays of every angle of my back and neck
nerve conduction studies three times
chiropractic and massage therapy
cervical traction
e-stimulation, including my own portable TENS unit for a year
ultrasound
exploratory lap surgery
colonoscopy
gall bladder tests, all types, x2

I've seen GP, neuro, bone and physical therapists. I've been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and cervical stenosis as well as arthritis. No real plan of attack, nor treatment has EVER worked. I've tried every drug in the book:
lortab
mepergen
demerol
darvocet
skelaxin
soma
flexiril
tizanidine
topamax
neurontin
amytriptilline
steroid packs
baclofen

And who knows what I've left off the list. At this point, my memory is also shot.

Around 7 or 8 years ago or so, I was told about the stenosis--this was after the first round of auto-immune testing. I have all those tests done two or three times. At that time, I was told that it might be something that required surgery when I was in my late 50s, early 60s. Ha! I'll be 40 years, 3 months when I get to have my surgery. I'll be having an anterior cervical discectomy :

Your spinal cord is supposed to be protected from the bones, but mine isn't. THe illustration shows healthy on the left and stenosis on the right--the white ring around the nerves is mashed in this illustration. In my MRI? the white ring is essentially gone.

So three weeks ago, I had trouble moving my arm, my neck was really stiff again, etc., Then just like a switch was turned off, I couldn't lift my arm past about my rib cage. I couldn't lift it to write on the board. I couldn't raise it to push the auto door button in my van. Couldn't reach the shampoo, much less wash my hair. That's scary as hell. The pain was something that was off the charts, too. I've never, even waking up post-op from knee surgery or trying to walk after the frist c-section--had this kind of intense pain. And it was non-stop for three weeks with almost no relief via meds or heat. When I finally was able to see the doctor who cleared up the mystery--Dr. Wade--I was convinced that I had a ruptured disc. That's fixable, with or without surgery. When I met him, he said he wanted to examine me a bit before talking about the MRI and that worried me--I cannot tell you how many times I've met with doctors who say they understand I'm in pain, but they have no idea why. Nothing ever shows up or makes sense. I thought we were there again, so I said, "Take all the time in the world, but please tell me there's something on that MRI that is a big red flag." He said, "Oh, yes. There are some huge red flags." Relief is an understatement. I don't WANT to be hurt or sick, but I do want to be fixed. Now I can be fixed.

He explained the stenosis and the severity. Basically, my is very rapidly progressing and he's never run into a case this bad in someone as young as I am (I'll take young where I can get it). It's in two discs and they are essentially gone. Bone on cord. It is not something that will just heal itself with time--I would never get better than I am right now. That's sobering. To think that people lived with this kind of pain before surgery or MRIs is just frightening. No wonder there were opium dens. Sheesh. I've got to have the discs removed, bone grafts put in and my spine fused together to protect it. There is no guarantee that I will be pain-free, but there's about an 80 percent chance that I will. He is also concerned about the muscle loss in my arm and shoulder. He could feel some atrophying--scary. He said it may be two years before I get full use back. He said that the weakening has been happening for years, just undetected. He also said that my legs have the same weaknesses lingering and that the stenosis may have led to some of my knee troubles and my clumsiness.

I don't have carpal tunnel--it was just the stenosis acting up early on. All of this burning pain in my shoulder is just reminiscent of the pain I've had in various places in the past and attributed to other problems.


I don't like to be a burden on people. I don't like to ask for help. I am perfectly content to be lazy and useless all on my own--I don't need a medical reason to do so. The glimpse of what being somewhat crippled would be like is sobering,to say the least. I will spend my summer doing whatever it takes to get my arm back--24 months is unacceptable, but I'm starting to accept that it probably won't be back to 'normal' in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get the last of this weight off and research the hell out of nutrition and vitamins and bone strength. I am going to suck it up and spend the $$ on a personal trainer once I've been released so I can get my core strength where it should be to give me a better basis of support my stupid lunkhead which is obviously so full of knowledge and useless bits that it has strained my neck and caused all of this trouble in the first place.

Surgery is June 8, 7.30 a.m. at Maury Regional here in Columbia. I'll be in at least one night and then I'm going to let my mother-in-law fuss over me for a couple of days at her house. The boys will go to Chattanooga for a few weeks and W. will be here, helping me around working full-time and studying for his NCLEX (state nursing exam). Not the summer we had planned, but a busy one a per the norm.

I'm not going to post much detail-wise other place. I will direct those inquiries here because typing long passages is pretty rough on my shoulder and this took forever on its own. I should have realized something was wrong when it hurt to blog the past few months. That's why I've been so gone lately. It just hurts too much to do more than a paragraph or so.

Spring Has Sprung

I love spring--it makes me feel all renewed and invigorated. Thus, I will blog some. I think. Or maybe just via twitter and email, but communicate about my brain somehow, I will.

A Class With Sixth Graders

I teach 6th grade Creative Dramatics, which usually involves having class in our huge theater where we can get up and move around. No such luck today. We're having to watch a video because we were booted from the theater because of D.A.R.E. graduation. My room is not really large enough for 30 6th graders--I only have 26 desks, so some have to sit in chairs. Anyway, here's a real time update of our day today:

8:00--come in the room and find a seat. Fight over who gets to sit in a chair. There is one desk left and two girls who want to sit together. Neither wants to sit in the desk. They stare at it as if it is magically going to split in two. Needless to say it doesn't, so I have to order one of them to go sit in a chair and leave her bosom friend behind. Tragic.

8:03--everyone is seated. "Why aren't we in the theater?" "Can we go watch D.A.R.E?". etc.

8:05-I tell them they have two choices: Watch a movie--Night at the Museum--or we'll do a report on Shakespeare. "Who is Shakespeare?". "Can we get extra credit?" "What if we want to do both?" "Can I get a drink of water?"

8:07--Movie in and on. Chaos ensues. So-and-so can't see because of X (person, position, angle, height). Much moving and shuffling ensues. Very loud kid in back asks me who is on my poster--it's Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca--so I tell him and immediately have to point out that he did NOT play Inspector Gadget. Loud kid is moved to the front table.

8:09--other kid at the front table is in my office chair with broken arm rests and pretends to be wounded from sharp plastic. I suggest he move, and he's suddenly healed.

8:10-movie starts

8:13--I take up a note from my repeat note offender.

8:16-small scuffle breaks out between the two table boys because the 1st kid is pretending that the piece of arm rest is a pet and he won't let the other kid pet it. Seriously. Sixth graders. I kid you not.

8:19--"Can we skip the beginning and just get to the good parts?"

8:20--one kid is playing with his hair another is kicking a table leg.

8:25--I turn off the rest of the lights.

8:29--random discussions about decapitation, why a skeleton can drink, people's favorite part coming up as he gets off an elevator and runs in a room with Lewis and Clark and the Civil War.

8:35-tremendous laughter when there is monkey pee. Really, who doesn't laugh at monkey pee, though.

8:39-have to tell the girls to quit whispering

8:40-have to have one girl move because she doesn't understand "don't talk"

8:43-one kid is cold.

8:44--two more are cold. and another.

8:43-one more cold, one is hot and one girl likes my eyeshadow. I drag out my pliers to turn on the heat.

8:45-random plot questions

8:47--I see some kid doing a weird hand signal that involves him sucking on his fingers and pointing at another boy (whose mother I taught in 1995. I'm OLD).

8:48-room is unbearably hot, so off goes the heat.

8:48.5-girl with a history of major grand mal seizures gets down in the floor beside her desk and nearly gives me a heart attack. She just wanted to be more comfortable watching the video

8:50-random humming from unknown source

8:51-another kid is doing the finger wiggling move, so it obviously means something more. and yes, it is, a third kid (boy with the pet armrest) is doing it back. I have to fuss and it stops.

8:52-chatty girls redux

8:53--or does it? sheesh. TREVOR, PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.

8:54--drumming again. LANE, STOP IT!.

8:55-time to wrap up. Frankly, it's easier to have a " real class"

Is There Really a Market for These?

So, I've been watching a lot of television since my most recent knee-related surgical intervention (the Demerol allows me the temporary delusion that I don't USUALLY watch several hours of television per night) , and since I watch almost nothing but cabl--specifically TNT, USA, Bravo, MSNBC and truTV--, I see a lot of second tier advertising, and the product of the moment seems to be Barack Obama plates and coins. Who, pray tell, is buying the multitudes of dollars, half dollars and other Liberian legal tender brandished with full color images of Barack Obama? I say multitudes, but that might be hyperbole on my part since the ever-so persuasive voiceover man assures me that there will only be "65 firing days before the molds are destroyed"--this has such an air of finality to it, don't you think? I suppose it's supposed to make me frantically pick up the phone and get my order in before the chance has passed...hold it. I just took a moment and did the math and the 65th day passed sometime around January 8 or 9...that makes the end of days for ordering seem that much nearer.

Sidenote: I'm not very good at exact numbers, which should demonstrate exactly why I suck ass in the math department, forgive me, Joy Parker, please, forgive me. It's not your fault. I blame Mr. Anthony and his constant threats about "building a barn" as he thwacked his paddle menacingly his hand that basically caused me to go into total mental shutdown when I walked into math class in 5th grade...and wtf did "building a barn" mean, exactly?

Anyway, middle school moment aside, what to do, what to do. I'm as big a fan of Obama as the next person...okay, not Kari because she harbors unclean thoughts about him, but the average fiscally conservative, socially liberal, almost-middle-aged, suburban America old, fat white chick, and for the life of me I can't figure out what the draw is. Not even the promise of receiving a signed Certificate of Authenticity AND an attractive bonus display stand can make me take the plunge and plunk down the $19.99 required to hang Obama on china on my dining room wall. This is me assuming, of course, that one displays decorative political dishware in one's dining room. And does the certificate ensure the plate will hold its resale value on the resale market? And is there a viable secondary market for Obamania plates and coins? I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on the present-day equivalent to the Apple IPO. Will I be kicking myself for not securing a piece of American history?

Sweet Jesus, hold the phone, I've found the motherlode! A website that sells both 'collectibles of the highest quality", the coin AND The Historic Victory Plate, which features

a priceless work of art featuring the triumphant President-Elect surrounded by the American flag and spectacular fireworks celebration.

Well, if the fireworks don't seal the deal for you, then you're just unAmerican (not a big threat for many of you since according to various folks on FOX, you're already unAmerican because you voted for Obama and against the constitution, the flag (pins and all) and Jesus). Keep in mind that "due to the unprecedented demand there is a strict limit of two per caller, so give your kids the CC# and a phone so they can get their orders in quick, too. Oh, damn, all sarcasm aside, I see that the website has the "As Seen on TV" logo and that gives me pause. While others may mock and jeer, I'm a longtime fan of the ASOTV products...old-time friends may remember the Pasta Pro Cooker that Five gave me when he was about 7 and, say what you want, the most ingenious personal grooming product of the 21st century, the Ped Egg, is a staple in the ASOTV catalog of fine products. Could the plate and coin REALLY be that bad after all? Perhaps they ARE truly a deal to be considered?......oh, wait...

This first collectors issue plate celebrates with the inscription "Change Has Come" scripted in 22K Gold text. The back displays the seal of the American Historic Society and documents the historic electoral and popular vote totals on election day.

And like that, the bloom is off the rose. Dear Mr. Marketing Director for the American historic Society, if you can't use apostrophes correctly? Don't expect me to take your investment advice seriously.

Politics

Once upon a time, I was a Republican. I admit this now to offer hope to those who have not yet seen the light. I was not just a little Republican, either. I was a vote-the-ticket, Democrats-are-evil, hate-everything-about-Bill-Clinton 100 percent GOP voter. I did this because I was raised in a Republican household and because I was really a one or two issue voter--lower my taxes and quit giving my money to lazy people who use food stamps and welfare. All of this changed when I became a fan of reality tv...Survivor to be specific. An odd leap, you say? Well, yes. Yes it was, but I can say with absolute confidence that what turned my thinking around was the thoughtful and persuasive writing of some really smart Survivor watchers.

Many of my bloggy friends know what OT is because they have hung out there too, but for those who don't, it's the Off Topic board on Reality TV World. Like most off topic forums, a little bit of everything gets discussed and on OT, politics is somewhat of a bloodsport. I went in a staunch Republican and came away a moderate Democrat thanks in no small part to reading the postings--civil and not--from landru, tech noir, mistofleas, buggy, dave, history detective, wheezy and countless others. I was able, for the first time in my adult life, to really look at things from a different perspective. Over the course of a year or so, I found myself changing sides and now consider myself a Democrat, albeit a moderate to conservative one when it comes to taxes and money.

All of that is background to explain this: Rush Limbaugh is a big fat obnoxious dummy. Bill O'Reilly makes me want to scream. Sean Hannity scares me. And my parents watch nothing but Fox news...blech. I've been really disgusted to see how the talking nimrods have reacted to Obama's first week in office. It saddens me to see that some adults simply can't put away the childish things and work together to achieve a common good. Shame on them. Shame, shame, shame.

Random

When you have a giant black brace on your leg, I don't care how cute your clothes are or how perfect your hair and makeup are, you look like a schlub.

At age 39 things that would have been hilariously entertaining at a bar when you were 20 are simply obnoxiously self-serving attention whoring.

I do not enjoy strange men putting their hands on my shoes.

Sometimes a cake CAN have too much icing.

Just because someone is famous, she is not automatically a good public speaker.

No one ever told me how much time grading papers the right way actually takes.

If Sam isn't hungry because his stomach feels sort of weird, do NOT let him drink grape soda.

Sometimes popcorn can make things better.

Stitches itch like hell after a week or so.

Even if she is beautiful, there's something really distressing about being told you look just like your mom did 20 years ago.

Grand Plan 2009

Resolutions are so '08, aren't they? And who the hell actually carries through with them anyway? I'm going to focus instead on creating a sort of roadmap for myself for 2009.

1. Distance myself from toxic people. This one may be a smidge harder than it sounds since by all accounts, I'm the most toxic person in my life, but I shall strive to limit the power that the negative folks have over me.
2. When I resist change ask myself WWPFD? This is an acronym for What Would Pxx Fxxxxx Do? PF is a woman that I used to work with who was like a human Eeyore. Change was always bad. Everyone else's ideas were always bad. It was as if she couldn't find anything positive in an idea unless it was hers. I've found myself taking on this attitude lately and it was sobering. From now on it's WWPFD? and then Kim does the opposite.
3. Read more intellectually stimulating material. As much as I enjoy reading NYMag or various gossipy sites and the Bravo blogs, I've simply got to refine my reading before I turn into one of those lameass people who can list all the current socialites or identify Top Chef dish creators by simply looking at a plate of food. When I'm more up-to-date on current pop culture and gossip than my senior English class, we have a problem.
4. Resume some form of healthy movement. Walking to and from the fridge carrying a laptop isn't going to pull my ass up off my mid-thigh and far too many of my clothing items are becoming sausage casingesque.
5. Interact more. I've become a virtual and literal hermit. My idea of the perfect evening is to climb in my bed with my laptop and remote control and just tune out for two or three hours before falling asleep. Needless to say this does nothing for my social life.

And now I'm off to haul giant bags of trash to the dump so I can begin working on my second list--Things That I Must Do to Maintain Sanity and Marriage in 2009. That list will bear striking resemblence to a chore chart and a menu :-0.