Here's A Moral Dilemma For You

Say you are walking through the parking lot of a fairly large strip mall-type place in your fair city. It is pretty full of cars, the weather is iffy and you're in a hurry to get your Goodwill purchases home so you can do laundry. Because you are a natural klutz, you have a tendancy to look down toward the ground while walking, lest you step in gum, smack into a sideview mirror, trip over a curb or just fall down. Since you are looking down (in hindsight, thank God you were), you happen to notice a rather odd-looking, rectangular pillowy-looking object directly in your path, a little ways ahead (I'd give you a feet/yards estimate, but I've tried to put a number on it and I can't really seem to get it quite right since I have almost no sense of length perception. I can do football field (this was not that long) and arm's length (this was longer) ). You ponder this and wonder what it is...

1. A sack of flour? You are in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot, after all (it's next door to the Goodwill and brand-spanking new. I have only been in there once because Sam needed to pee and the Goodwill doesn't have public restrooms--not that I would let him use it if they did).

2. A pillow? Stranger things have fallen from your own vehicle.

3. A swim float? It's a little early, but you never know.....

4. A balloon? Some people buy that kind of shit for Easter. None of these really capture the true essence of the object, so you speed up and peer closely as you approach. You notice that there is a rope, no, it's tubing attached to the pillowy thing. And the tubing is hanging from the Jeep Cherokee right beside the object..........WTF? It isn't. It can't be. No.freaking.way.

By now, you are within spitting distance of said object and, having had three c-sections as well as major abdominal surgery and visited several old folks in the hospital, you are sure. There can be no doubt. What we have here, in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly/Goodwill/new tanning salon with absolutley awesome beds that was running a special for $18.95/tan all you want for a month so you signed up/new Mexican restaurant/24-hour gym that you joined and went to once, thus paying $40 for one trip to said gym/over price sporting goods place and appliance store from which you will never make a purchase/your dentist....where was I? Oh, yeah, lying in this parking lot with the tubing still attached, and much to your disgust is a FULL CATHETER BAG. You know...the thing with pee in it? And there's still pee in the tube.

Seeing the pee in the tube, you immediately look to see (from a comfortably hygenic distance) if your worst suspicions are true. You hope in vain that it has somehow been discarded due to fullness or inadvertently dropped and left behind (the thought of this makes you almost convulse in pain), but your worst fears are confirmed---it appears to be attached to the man who is slumped over asleep in passenger seat. He is moving as he breathes, so you're assured he is not dead. The door is slightly ajar to allow the tubing some room. So now what. Who the hell puts their catheter bag out in the freaking parking lot? Obviously, this is in error, right? It has to be. So, do you knock on the car door and point out to the man that his urine-collection device is lying in the parking lot for all the world to see? OR do you just walk on by, saving both of you a little emotional distress. I mean, the thing might have been in the way, so he just put it on the ground. Maybe it needed to be significantly lower than the bladder area in order to work at optimum efficiency (judging by the content, the thing is DEFINITELY working).

As you chose the latter and make your way quickly to the car, you are suddenly wracked with guilt. What if the driver of the Jeep comes out of the Piggly Wiggly and, seeing the passenger is asleep, starts the car and quietly drives off without waking him, never realizing, until it's too late, that trailing alongside the car, much like some macabre Just Married regalia is a full catheter bag bouncing along the highway...until a wrong turn or a close pass from another vehicle or gravity and some sort of physics laws (I didn't take physics, but I'm assuming one of the laws would apply here, yes?) intervene and the bag or tube or everything is suddenly detached and left to fly into the windshield of a passing car? Or bounce into the path of a local biker? Or be lobbed into the air and land in a brilliant yellow explosion at the feet of a local homeless woman searching the shoulder of the road for cans or 20 million in cash lying in a ditch (okay, if that were guaranteed to happen, this would be no dilemma).

You are tempted to stay in your van and wait for the driver to emerge, but sadly, you must haul ass across town to pick up the middle child from bball at the Y, so you cannot stay. As you leave, you wonder, what happend? What should I have said? What should I have done? Is there a right answer for such an obviously WRONG situation?

WWYD?

PS: if you have any stray catheter bag stories you'd like to share, please feel free to do so in comments.

Gorge, Binge, Inhale, Repeat.

I'm glad the holidays are officially over. From Thanksgiving thru Easter there seem to be a million different reasons to eat candy and other junk food. Now it has all passed. Fourth of July candy doesn't really appeal to me, lol.

It's Spring Break, but I'm working a few hours each day Monday-Thursday. The kids have lots of things going on this week and we'll be fairly crazed leading up to our trip to Chatt. I'm hoping I can just get my act together and get some things done house-wise. That's the plan, anyway.

I Am Not Sick Now

Well, I have a nagging on-again, off-again earache/headache, but I'm otherwise okay healthwise. Now I'm just paralyzed with a severe case of the lazy. Tomorrow is the beginning of the end of the lazy--I have a load of stuff to do next week including working, hauling kids to the orthodontist, basketball camp and weightlifting class, finding spring clothes, putting up most of the long sleeves, packing to go out of town and cleaning up the worst parts of my house. I'm glad it's Spring Break, but I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I Am Sick

Hellishly sick. I had to go to a thing for work today and it was pure misery. We're working on this online thing that it too tedious to go into detail about, but requires using the most assbackwards, poorly designed software to 'build' courseware for students to use online. Seriously, it's unreal how low tech this is--and it's the new rollout. If there is a list of 10 lessons and you only want one of them? You must delete the other nine one.at.a.time. The screen must refresh in between. Painful. And if you want to make item number 10 the first item? You must move it up the list one.at.a.time. The screen must refresh each time. Still painful. How the fuck myspace or snapfish can use drag and drop technology, but Plato can't is beyond me. It's ridiculous.

So anyway, after tediously creating senior English courses, I needed to go back and edit one of them because I finally unearthed the damn basic literature information which was hidden in a file called "Misellaneous Language Arts Resources". Wellllllllllllll, I managed to delete the damn course instead of just unpublish it. At that point, I knew that I was done. Sitting in a computer lab that had no air circulation with a fever in an uncomfortable chair using a keyboard that didn't have the little feet to tilt it and the slowest internet connection on earth while reaching for a Kleenex every five minutes, I had enough.

So I left. Very brazen of me, actually, because it was only 1.30 and the school day doesn't end until 3:15 on an 8:00 start time. I waited until a couple of other people left first. I tried to find the man in charge--the supervisor of secondary ed.--but he was nowhere to be found, so I made a professional decision and went home. The funny thing is that in most any professional career in the world, if you're sick and need to go home, you can just go. Teaching, though, is a different ballgame. We're used to 22 minute lunches and being ruled by a bell. It was very strange to just be able to LEAVE. I felt guilty, actually, but not guilty enough to stick around. By 2:00, I was in my bed with a bottle of Tylenol at my side. I've been here pretty much all night save for a trip to take W. to work and then to buy a thermomenter at Walgreens (I can't find either of the two that I know we have somewhere) and to McD's drive thru for good homecooking for the two youngest boys.

I just realized I have no idea what the point of this was. I think perhaps maybe it's time for me to make another professional decision and go to bed. Or at least quit blogging while I'm still forming something resembling sentences. I have to go back for one more day tomorrow. It will be the longest day ever. Ugh.

Do You Ever.......

~~wonder what the turning point in your life really was? What was the moment that changed your path and took you to the place you are now?

~~talk to yourself in public places?

~~use medications in methods other than those they were intended for?

~~just break into dance randomly?

~~fear farting in public?

~~sit and mindlessly watch television that you don't pay attention to?

~~wonder if you would find Gordon Ramsey hot IRL or just incredibly pompous and annoying?

~~speaking of Gordon, do you ever want to tell him to shut the fuck up about rustic, honest, authentic food?

~~fight the urge to cut your own hair?

~~wonder if you spend too much time at work?

~~think you could totally pull off being famous better than the nitwits who are?

~~avoid answering the phone because you just don't want to talk to someone?

~~curse when you shouldn't?

~~wonder how the hell people can believe junk science about things such as autism being linked to vaccinations just because they read it on the internet?

~~wish you could fast forward your life?

I Bought Myself Some Prezzies!

MIL gave me 100 bucks to add to my cash stash, so today SIL and I headed out to the new Super Target at the crack of dawn so I could spend it.

I found THE most gorgeously fun shoes for only $22, but I didn't get them because I realized that I didn't really have anything to actually wear them with. I'm going to go back, though. I need them. They are linen and brown 'leather' with like a 3" or so heel that is covered with brown textured stuff. Love them. I also found some really comfy black platform heels that were probably 3.5", but they had an open toe and I really don't need yet another pair of open-toed heels, so I put them back. I will be watching for them on clearance, though.

I didn't buy anything for myself at Target other than a pair of St. Patrick's Day socks from the 1.00 bin and a beach towel for 4.00. I managed to spend $82.00 on family stuff, including Sam's Easter basket present. When we left there, we hit the new Kohl's, which has just opened this week. There I managed to find two pair of shoes that actually met my footwear needs--a pair of slightly rounded-toe (closed, obviously) black pumps with a high enough heel to be dressy, but not so high I can't wear them to work and a really cute pair of brown slingbacks with a faux wooden heel. Both were Vera Wang's brand and on sale. Then I found a couple of pair of earrings (more on the earring developments later) and with the $10 gift card that SIL gave me (thank you, J!), I spent $99.18. Woohooo!!

Then I went to TJ Maxx and bought a great little Pucciesque print knit dress--BCBG--for a mere $29.00 and a basic white shirt--high waisted with a little belt to break it up--for $16.00. I had an exchange to make, so it came out to like $32.00 for those.

Finally, I hit the Wal Mart and grabbed up a couple more pair of earrings. I had $30 in GC for there, but I ended up spending them mostly on Easter candy and some groceries and frigging $10 worth of light bulbs for Jay's reading lamp. I decided that I'd consider using my money for that a trade off for spending at TJ Maxx, so I still have about $25 or so in my cash stash to put toward sandals or girly things.

I feel very shopped out and I still have to buy more groceries, but now I have lots of earrings to choose from when I go.

Tonight I have to go chaperone a dance for about an hour. Wooo.Hooo. Not. Then I think I'm going to go out to dinner with friends for my bday. W. isn't going to go because he's sick, so it won't be a late night, nor a particularly inebriated one, I suppose. That's a good thing, though. I tried on clothes at Target and felt enormously fat. Blech. Oh, that reminds me, I did buy myself something at Target--whoops. I got some khaki Bermudas. I lvoe Target's brand because they are totally vanity sized.

Random

1. I'm tired of being tired.

2. I have strained my left tricep. I'm beginning to think that this whole exercise thing is just too dangerous for some people.

3. I love biscuits.

4. I also love lima beans.

5. And meatloaf.

6. Stupidity really makes my head hurt lately.

7. I do not feel 39 at all.

8. I wish it was NFL time. Basketball sucks.

9. One of my couch cushions is noticeably cleaner than the others. I wonder if that Resolve upholstery cleaner is any good?

10. We had a cow slaughtered and processed- $196 for 585 pounds of beef. That is .34 per pound--steaks, roasts, and loads of ground beef. Guess what we'll be eating this spring and summer? I've been paying $2.00+ per pound for ground round.

11. I have fifty dollars in my cash stash drawer. This is pathetic, but I cannot remember the last time that I intentionally set aside cash to have for miscellaneous purposes. I'm soooo bad with money. This fifty makes me feel very happy. I'm putting ten bucks per week in the drawer. I think I will use it to buy myself a new swimsuit. Or some really great spring/summer shoes. Or to pay school fees for next year. Ugh. Kids are so expensive.

12. Our school has a new dress code next year--the kids have to wear solid shirts w/ a collar in one of six colors--navy and white are the county-wide colors and then our school added light blue, red, black and pink. Naturally we have approximately five shirts between three kids that will meet these regulations. I imagine part of #11 will also be used to purchase school shirts. I'm conflicted about this--I like the idea of being able to dress them easier and in the long run, it will make life easier because we won't have so many clothes, but I also hate the idea of seeing nothing but blue and red and the occassional pink. It's going to be weird.

13. My parents' 41st anniversary is coming up and I want to send them something because I never do. I'm thinking about an edible fruit bouquet, but they're sort of pricey and my mother could make one of them on her own for far less and that nags at the one frugal bone I have. But the idea of presents is to splurge on a treat, right? Ugh. I don't know.

14. I cannot believe that The Closer won't start new episodes until frigging JULY. Pisses me off.

Help Me Update, Por Favor

My links are bad and my address book is way old, so if you don't mind, if you're reading here, could you pretty please shoot me an email from the addy that you use AND if you're the proud owner of a private blog, send me the linky, too? If you blog and I don't have you listed, you can comment me here or email me that as well. I can't keep up with everyone because I've got the information in about a dozen places.

Email me a kimmmah at gmail...and note, that's three m's because some bitch took my gmail name.

Birthday Gifts

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm 39 today. It is a weird number for me--it seems sooooo fucking old to me. Sort of 'final' in a way. And I know, it's really not a big deal and that 40 is not technically OLD, but it's my brain and I can't make it think any other way. See, I don't actually feel like an adult most of the time. It is almost foreign to me that I have a child about to start high school and I don't have anymore babies...and never will. I am insanely immature. When I see someone like Heidi Klum or some wunderkid business magnate and realize that I am OLDER than them, it just blows my mind. I simply do not feel like a grown-up. I realized the other day that I don't refer to myself as a woman, but as a girl. There's some therapy need, ya think?

W. and I do low key birthdays mainly because we're pretty much always wiped out in March (property taxes) and June (summer, no pay, live off savings), so I don't really get gifts much anymore, which is okay by me. I was given some gift cards yesterday at work by three co-workers (Itunes and Wal Mart), which was very sweet and really made my day. I do love to shop, of course. MIL and my parents will give me money unless I specify something that I really want, but I can never think of anything that I truly NEED. This year is no different. I can't think of what to ask for, so I always end up with cash. I think this year I will pick a store and ask for gift cards if I can't think of an object; otherwise, I know myself well enough to know that my birthday gift will end up being my cell phone bill or groceries or something like that. I rather feel like I should begin looking to acquire more grown-up things...I just can't think what they might be, lol. I have no hobbies to speak of, I don't need any clothes other than a winter coat and a new bathing suit, I have enough makeup for three women (see, I'm trying)...what to get?


So here's my question--what would you ask for as a bday gift? A realistic one--not an Italian villa or Brad Pitt. Give me some ideas---I need to be inspired.

I'm going to make this year positively awesome. I am bound and determined to be one of those people that everyone hates--"No way she's forty...she doesn't look 30!"--okay, that may be a bit optimistic, lol, but I'm going to work my ass off figuratively and literally this year and make forty look fabtabulous...after I finish eating the cookies that W. made for me, of course.

Ass? Kicked.

Back to the Y tonight for my favorite muscle sculpting class. Lighter weights, lots of reps. One hour. I've not been to it since November and right now? I feel every 'muscle' in my body screaming. Getting old and decrepit just really SUCKS.

Your Day Might Suck If...

1. Your husband has to turn your water on and off at the meter due to a broken pipe that was discovered just before dark.
2. Your heater blew a fuse and you made not one, but two trips in the freezing cold to go buy replacements.
3. You did that in your slippers.
4. You have a very unfortunate gas problem of such proportion that your husband complains loudly and bitterly, which will undoubtedly make work incredibly miserable if not resolved.
5. The oil light flashed off and on and then off again while you were trekking out in the elements to get fuses.
6. Your microwave popcorn smells foul when popping.
7. You have an obscene amount of laundry that needs to be folded or washed or dealt with.
8. You need to wash your hair, but the whole water and heat thing make that task unpleasant.
9. The only person in a worse mood than you is your hateful, snippy spouse.
10. You have three final exams due to the principal by noon tomorrow, but you only have one completed and you have a meeting during your planning period.

Why It Didn't Smell Like Ass Is Anyone's Guess

So, I'm a grocery-shopping FIEND lately. I've been trying to make a budget and a menu and actually stick to it--I figure I've done things the half-assed, slapdash method for 15 years with terrible results, so why not take the advice of the gazillion people that get paid to give spazzes like me the tools to make life easier. Where was I? Grocery shopping, that's it. Okay.

Last week, I did my requisite Kroger and Aldi runs on the weekend--Saturday, if memory serves me correctly. One of the must-have items is always yogurt. Specifically Kroger yogurt. The kids and W. fight over the damn stuff, so I try to buy specific flavors for each of them. Jay and Five like strawberry banana, Sam like plan strawberry, and W. likes the more exotic flavors like key lime pie, bananas foster, cherry vanilla, etc. I dragged all the groceries in (or so I thought) and put everything away. I've had some previous experiences w/ leaving groceries out (raw chicken, a pork roast, eggs) either on top of the fridge or in the car, so I'm usually very careful to make sure I have everything. Little did I know......

Back to today---ran outto grab some groceries because I realized that I'm not going to want to worry about it the next two days. When I went to put the groceries in the van, I was horrified to find a key lime pie yogurt that had been left behind and then, even worse, the little practically useless foil top had burst wide open and there was a puddle of yogurt water in the little well where my captain's chair fastens down (I have one of them out). Then, sliding down the side of the well above the lake o' yogurt slime, was the 'solid' part of the yogurt--a particularlly vile shade of green slime just sitting there. Mocking me. At first I thought it was some slime toy that had gone awry, but when I moved the pile of kids' van crap away, the container was revealed.

Now, the title question comes in--why DIDN'T it smell like ass? Or at least reek of lime? I had not noticed a damn thing and I'd been driving around with a festering pool of yogurt vomit in my van. It was underneath a plastic bag of some sort, which had shielded it all that time, but would that negate the smell? And why didn't it stink when I unearthed the unholy nearly-flourescent mess?

The only upside to this whole sitch is the fact that it didn't spew all over the carpet. If you're going to have a yogurt blow out in a minivan, the chair-hooking well, which is lined with plastic, is the best place for it to occur.

Lazy Sundays

I hate it when football season is over and there's nothing to really DO on a Sunday. Yeah, I can watch NASCAR, but it just doesn't have the same attraction that the NFL does to me for some reason. I like to nap on Sundays. A lot. I used to go to the Y every Sunday, but I've gotten out of the one good habit that I had. What to do today?

I have lots that NEEDS to be done--laundry is piled to Mt. Laundrymore proportions (waves to frodis), we need groceries, every floor in the house could use a vac, a broom or a mop, and the fridge really needs to be wiped out. I don't want to do any of it. I hate housework--vehemently.

So, the question of the day is: How do you tackle the household stuff? Do you have certain tasks for certain days or do you just sort of muddle through putting out fires? I really need to get on a plan, but I can't ever seem to get it together.