I'm now a card-carrying, auto-paying member of the local YMCA. This in and of itself is rather amusing since I'm fairly sure no one who knows me or just happens to see me would think, "She likes exercise", but I have accepted the fact that one cannot look like an exerciser without actually exercising. So, I go.
Just getting there is an adventure--see the Embarrassing Post below for one of many examples--because I'm not particularly good at keeping up with things such as sneakers, Y cards, gym bags and all that. I have one bag that I've used as a workout bag for years that I finally unearthed at work. It was under my desk and filled with remnants from our trip to the state fair (in September) and numerous elementary drama books that I evidently decided to move from home to school. Or something. I don't actually know where they came from or why they were in the bag. My memory is totally blank. But I found the bag, which was the important part.
I have one really bad knee and one almost-as-bad-but-not-surgically-altered-knee, so now that I've decided to be all fit and shit, I am having to be cautious when I do any sort of cardio. I'm taking water aerobics 2x per week and going to the fitness center two or three days, too. I used to be a treadmill kind of girl, but that was before the knee and everyone tells me that I need to be very careful using the treadmill since there is a lot of shock on the knee. I've done it, but not much. It did hurt a little bit, but not terribly. But the treadmill gets sort of boring, even when I get to watch the little attache television (frankly, one of the main reason I like to go to the gym at night is to watch TNT uninterrupted).
I've tried the recumbant bike (see previous post) and I like it, but I realize that I have to mix things up, so, I decided to give the ol' elliptical machine another try. Pre-surgery, I couldn't do the stupid thing because it absolutely killed my knee. Oh, and I was such a fat slug that it nearly killed me, too. I finally gave up even trying at my old gym...it was too depressing.
I vowed to try again--after all, how hard can it be? There are scads of people on the things every time I'm in there and they are all just flitting around on the things like they haven't a care in the world. So, I try since my knee is slightly better, but I quickly decide that I'm still a fat slug because that machine? It is of the devil. Satan has an entire room filled with those suckers just waiting on me in hell (on a fresh carpet of Easter grass and Legos with a soundtrack of bluegrass and rap music in the background, I'm sure). How the HELL do those perky little wenches jump up and down on the damn things like they're on trampolines or something? I can go for miles on the bike or treadmill, but on this? I think I did .5 in 10 minutes. And that was as far as I could go. I laugh at the little signs posted on each machine that says, "during peak times of 5pm to 7pm, please limit your time on this machine to 30 minutes." ROFLMAO. Okay, no problem. I'll be glad to spend 30 minutes on it--can I just stand there and watch television for 20 minutes or so?
After the whopping 10-minute workout, my thighs were burning, my calves were in knots and I was wheezing, which is always attractive and impressive in a gym setting. I realized that I didn't want to die of an asthma attack in the YMCA--even I have some pride--so, I staggered from the fitness area to my locker, dug around in my gym bag, finally found my inhaler tucked under a brush and some lotion and a plethora of flotsam left over from the fair trip and I puffed.
And then I nearly died.
Why? Well, because it had been in the bottom of my tote along with some Cheez-It crumbs. I inhaled fucking Cheez-Its into my lungs and that, my friends, burns like a sombitch. Glass shards, ricin, volcanic ash and Cheez-It crumbs. All can be lethal. It took me several minutes to recover and be able to breathe normally. After that, cardio was done for this fat girl. I decided to take my chances in the pool since there is lots of humidity that I figured would be healing on my poor, scarred lungs.
I'll be back on that damn machine come Monday because now it's a challenge--I have to be able to do better (albeit when it is not crowded in the fitness area because I don't like flailing in front of fit folks), but in the future I will use the inhaler before I step on the stupid machine...after I've checked for foreign objects, of course.
4 comments:
This made me giggle.
I love the eliptical. The last time I tried one I was also unable to last very long.
Let me know when you get that ephoria that some people get from excercising. I've never found it.
Ouch. My lungs hurt from reading that last part.
But anyway, regarding the eliptical, if they have different models, try using another one. My gym has two different kinds, and one was awful - something about the way I was positioned on it made it really put a lot of strain on my back, which then hurt for days. But I was fine on the other one. So definitely try a different model if you can, and you might have a better experience.
Also, be sure to check the resistance. You should be able to change it just like on a bike, and it's possible the person before you had it at a really high resistance. When I do it, I keep it at the lower end so it basically is just like I'm running, rather than climbing stairs.
I went through an elipitcal phase back when I went to the gym and really enjoyed it. Then I went through a treadmill phase (actually worked myself up to were I could run on the damn thing without falling off). Then came the morning sickness phase, pregnancy phase, nursing phase, toddler phase, etc... Suprisingly I am still a member of 2(!) gyms and need to start going to them soon. Now to start the dad get the kids from school phase. (Both gyms are 40 minutues from my house since I live in the middle to tomato country so if I don't stop on my way home, I won't make it there.)
Oh and I need apologize for laughing so hard about the cheezits...
If you love the elliptical, do it. Otherwise bag it.
Boy, can I relate to the Cheez-it crumbs. I have a teeny silk bag I carry to the machines carrying my inhaler. I figured out if I just carry the inhaler it freaks everybody out. They're so solicitous that I can't do anything and at the gym I just want to be left alone.
As a fellow knee-pain traveler, I discovered that the rowing machine doesn't hurt my knees a bit. If you decide to get on it, adjust that damn lever. All the guys put it at 10 and that's just stupid. Set it back to 2 or 3 and take your time.
Good on you, actually going. I keep hoping that if I just put my gym bag in the car it counts as a workout.
Post a Comment