Yet Another Only In Kim's World Story

I've said many times before that my life is like a poorly written sitcom in many ways. I'm like the quirky protagonist who gets into scrapes either by sheer stupidity, lack of responsible thinking skills, unfortunate human circumstance or complete physical incompetence. It's just what I do. Because of this, my trips out in public can fraught with mishaps, accidents and/or hilarity. Trips to Wal Mart are prime settings for stupid and yesterday was no exception.

First of all, I should tell you that I talk to myself. A lot. Out loud. As I get older, I do it more and more. I probably look like Sybil's daughter as I walk up and down the aisles (without a list 9 times out of 10) and try to get things from stores like Wal Mart or Kroger. Inevitably when I get to the back far corner of Super Wal mart, it dawns on me that I need something from the health and beauty section...and that's what happened yesterday. We've had a total Wal Mart redo, so backtracking is even more time-consuming than it should be since I only hit the evil empire every six weeks or so (they remodeled the entire non-food merchandise side in between my visits in the spring--talk about feeling like Alice in the rabbit hole. I walked in and saw a plywood pharmacy in the entrance way and was like wtf??).

Anyway, I was loading four packs of Sugar Free Red Bull (damn, that stuff is expensive, btw, but will be in my fridge for the near future anyway. sorry, true!) when it dawned on me that I had to go get some deodorant because I'd forgotten it the previous two trips. So, talking to myself the whole way, I made my diagonal path to the other side of the stupid enormous Wal Mart and found the proper aisle. W. isn't brand-loyal on deodorant--just low price loyal. This week it was Speed Stick's million varieties on sale. I never can remember what smell to buy because men's deodorant names are just ridiculous. Athletic, sports scent, thunderstorm, clean fresh, power surge, waterfalls...they don't make any sense, really. At least for me. All I know is I never buy unscented because deodorant, IMO, is one of the things that SHOULD be scented artificially because the natural smell is just unfortunate. Faced with the dizzying array of choices, I decided I needed to smell them to make a choice.

I picked up the first choice and smelled. Nothing. Speedstick's package is a weird flat oval shape with a very tight lid that controls the scent Under the lid is this annoying piece of plastic,molded to the top of the stick. It has a very user-unfriendly 'handle' that you have to pull or twist or pry off. WHY can't they just have a sticker like the best girl deodorant in the world, Secret Clinical?

I tug on the little tab/lid to release some scent. No luck. Tug again. Nope. Try to twist. No budge. Pick up another one, repeat. No smelling. In a fit of exasperation, I do a combo pull/twist at about the same time I lean in a bit...and yes, the tab came loose. So loose, in fact, that my hand snapped up uncontrollably and the tab handle thing smacked right into my lip while the opening of the deodorant mashed into my chin. I'm pretty sure I said, "SHIT!" out loud, in Wal Mart, on Christmas Eve, but when one draws blood with a personal hygiene product, it is acceptable, IMO. Needless to say, I got a good whiff of the scent since it was gummed on my chin. At that point, I decided that since it didn't smell of death or bubble gum, that was the chosen one. I gathered what was left of my dignity, rubbed the smear of Speed Stick off my face, ducked my head to hide my slightly split lip and got the hell out of Dodge.

Merry Christmas!