Things I Need for Christmas

As I get older and older and older and older...you get the idea that 40 is looming, yes?...I have a harder time trying to figure out what I need for Christmas. W. and I are not lavish gift givers--I usually buy my own gifts from him. We have never really felt the need to spend the big bucks and, for the past few years, we haven't had loads of extra money lying around come holiday time. He humors my annual jaunts to England or New York or Atlanta or Europe (I leave March 31 for a ten-day trip, woohoo!) and I go out in public with him when he wears overalls (handyman stores only. I have my standards). I do, however, have to cough up a list for my sister, my mom and MIL. This year's was particularly exciting--get ready:

1. an electric skillet. I had no idea I needed one until I realized that I didn't have one AND that I can't fry anything on my stove because one side of the pan is always hotter than the other.

2. a ginormous tote bag/purse/carry-on thing that I think will look tres chic in Paris and Rome and will probably only use on such trips. But it's really pretty.

3. a laptop case. Just because.

4. a new travel charger and a steamer

Try not to drool--it's a great list, I know. I also really need new kitchen towels and dishrags as well as all new baking sheets (I do actually cook, thankyouverymuch), but I'll just look for those when I shop a bit after the holidays. The list is pathetic, I know. I started to put some more exciting things on the list like perfume, but A. it's so damned expensive and B. I don't really NEED it. Thus my list is a yawn (better than W.'s which includes new overalls and something for his chainsaw) and that's depressing. I refuse to be depressed during the holidays--especially while there is vodka and my new obsession sugar free Red Bull in the house, so here is my Pretend Christmas List.

I need/want

1. a Scantron machine for grading bubble sheets. yeah, that's geeky gift, but it would be such a HUGE quality of life booster that I'm willing to be a geek for it.

2. a vacuum cleaner that doesn't require unwinding the cord in order to use the hose thingy. But it has to be a Dyson vacuum because I will never own another brand. Ever. They're that good.

3. something that will make my keys findable instantly when I am ready to leave the house. It's pathetic, really, that someone who has graduated from college not one, not two, but FOUR frigging times cannot keep up with keys. Or sunglasses, for that matter. If I was all absent-minded professory and lost in a fog of theorems and policy, that would be one thing, but the most pressing thing on my mind most days is "What should my facebook status update say?" or "Why can't I remember to put the tights that are too short for me in the trash when I take them off instead of putting them with the other ones and then wearing them to work yet again?". So you can see, my shortcomings are not even remotely quirky--just ridiculous. I need a smart person to configure such a device--the key thing, I mean, not something quirky.

4. a highlighting cap that doesn't take forever and a day to pull hair through AND also doesn't cause pain to the wearer. I'm bored with my hair and want to do blonder highlights, but I don't dare just brush them on because I'll end up with transparent chunks if past performance is any indicator. I'd also like a personal hair stylist to come do my hair color monthly, but that would be greedy. Plus, I'd have to clean my house before she came up.

5. my own bowling ball. There. I said it. Laugh, point, jeer. I don't care. Using a house ball is KILLING my old, arthritic hands and making teaching very difficult, not to mention making practicing impossible.

6. a self cleaning refrigerator. They can do this with ovens. Why not step it up and do it for fridges? I realize that ovens use heat for the process, BUT once upon a time, I thought that self-cleaning ovens had some sort of foam in them that you just pushed a button for like that EZ-Off stuff that you spray--you know the stuff. I was utterly shocked to find out that all the supposedly miraculous self-cleaning ovens just got really, really hot. So I'm thinking a fridge that has some sort of dispenser is totally doable...just get one of those professory types to work out all the details.