The Most Boring Oscars in Recent History

Some of my faves (there aren't many)
Cameron Diaz--super-tight white gown with an interesting neckline. It was slightly shorter in the front that the back, which I am generally opposed to as it is the mullet of dresses. It was quite flattering to her figure...her ass looked amazing. Not wild about the style of her hair, but the color really worked.

Reese Witherspoon--She wins. She looked smokin' hot with her long, straight hair (which I normally don't like and find too informal for nights like this) and a kick-ass full length plum--vargating colors in the layers--this picture does not do justice to the shade. It's stunning. The dress that had assymetrical layers in the skirt and made her ass look awesome, too. She was totally, 100% hot.


Jodie Foster--blue, halter neck dress that really made her face look bright and youthful. Her hair was really cute, too.

Kinki Rink--or whatever her name is. Why is she suddenly a style icon? One good movie and she's everywhere. She looked very elegant and chic tonight (a far cry from that unfortunate Chanel pom pom gown)


Celine Dion--very flattering in dark green with a diamond accent on the hip. She looked better than she has in a long time.

Nicole Kidman--tres elegant in that dress, although W. said it looked like she had a thighmaster on her shoulder. I'm not crazy about Naomi Watts' dress, but she gets a pass since she's preggo.


Maggie Gyllenhall--very, very pretty in black with a one-shoulder thingy. She didn't look nearly as moon-faced as she usually does.

Cate Blanchett--she was my second fave of the night, I think. Classic.


Sucktitude in Varying Degrees (many more)

Meryl Streep looked like a hippie/gypsy.

Penelope Cruz--I'll be the only one, I'm sure, but I thought her dress looked ickishly like picked and pulled terry cloth and her hair and makeup were just blah. Skintight bun, sallow color and not enough eye makeup.


Gwenyth Paltrow--I loved her hair--it was much better than it's been in a long, long time, but her dress was just not my cup o' tea. Weird, unflattering color and strange cape-like sheering.


Jennifer Hudson--wow, is she going to regret this choice when she looks back on her career. Biggest night of her life and she looks like she arrived on the Enterprise. There are spaghetti straps under that jacket and Jennifer, like yours truly, should NOT wear spaghetti straps.


Jennifer Lopez--I can already hear the raves she is going to get on fashion shows, but unless trying to look like a dowdy, hippy, 45-year-old was her goal? She missed in my book:


Jessica Biel--color looks bad on t.v.--could be the fabric? Her hair looks like mine when I get in humidity and it starts to frizz on me. The dress didn't look as if it fit anywhere--her boobs hung out the sides and not in a good way.


Racehl Weisz--Eh. boring and it looks like she's about to fall out. The train is waaay busy and that chandelier around her neck is just fugly.


beyonce--Color--okay. Style--get over the hi-cut leg. Shoulder thing? Truly baffling. It's like a rhinestone snake is coming down to attack her midriff. Or is it a pageeant sash?


Kirsten Dunst--UGLIEST DRESS OF THE NIGHT, but I like her with bangs.


Anne Hathaway--haute coutre cater waiter in a gown:

Oscar Night!

I love the Oscars. I love to watch the fashions, I love to listen to the sappy speeches, I live to trash the hair and makeup and clothes. I've been sitting here for I don't know how long watching the pre-show--Ryan Seacrest is entertaining me right now. I shall be back with my picks for the good, the bad and the oh-so-very-ugly.

Random Thoughts

Too scattered to post on one topic:

1. Britney--I'll be writing you another letter, but for now, child, please be safe and don't eat a handful of Xanax or Valium. I swear, I don't think I could mentally survive another AnnaNicolesque macabre post-mortem DAWing. Oh, and for the love of God and all that is holy, when you get out of rehabd, buy a fucking wig that doesn't look like something I could buy in the clearance bin at Dollar Mart with the lavender lipstick and the red plastic earrings. And lose the brolly. It's bad for the image.

2. Just because one attends water aerobics class that is popular with the senior set, one should not assume it will be an "easy" workout. Trust me and my calves.

3. IT IS SUPPOSED TO SNOW IN FEBRUARY, DAMMIT! WHERE IS MY SNOW?

4. If you have not had a Special K Protein Bar in chocolate peanut butter, then you have missed out on a 10g treat. Yum. Yum. If you are my husband, you have now tried them, so stay away from them.

5. If it was possible to live off said bars and popcorn, then I would be the single happiest person on Earth.

6. I've been messages by some freaks on Myspace. If you have a young daughter, please do not let her have an account.

7. It dawned on me that my oldest child will soon be 14. How is this possible? I am not old enough to have a child that is 14. That's not a little kid anymore. Ugh.

8. Why is it that I am the only chick in the United States that cannot pull off the straight hair look, no matter how hard I try? All I can think of is cheap wig every time I try it. I will say that even then, my hair is miles better than that polyester shit that Britney is sporting.

9. I do love me some Tarte Cheek Stain. That stuff rocks--even if it is stupid expensive for blush. Tipsy is my shade of late.

10. Tyra needs to step away from the hot rollers. Just step away, girlfriend.

Myspace?

Do you have one? Am I on your friend list? If not, why the hell not? I'm a very entertaining and likeable person. I don't smell. I don't do embarassing things out in public very often, but that doesn't even matter since we won't actually be together in that sense. My avatar is just blurry enough to make me look sort of mysterious, which was totally by accident becuase I'm not so hot with the photo-manipulation tools. In all, I think I should be your friend. I expect to see loads of invites pouring into my inbox soon...wow, that sounds so incredibly pornographic. How can you possibly resist my literary brilliance and heart-wrenching pleas?

Get thee to Myspace and create a profile if you haven't already. All the cool kids, like HD, JV, Wheezah, Femme and the like have done it. You can, too! You can click here to see my profile. Then just click on add friend and voila! The process is underway.

Bored, Bored, Bored!

I'm sitting here on my substantial posterior doing absolutley nothing today. W. is on a trip for the weekend, so it's just me and the boys. Well, not all of them--Five went to a church retreat last night and won't be home until Sunday, so it's just me and the little guys, but only until 4:00. At 4:00, they'll both be leaving--one to spend the night with MIL and the other to go to a Predators game, so it will be just me, myself and I for six or seven hours.

For some reason, perhapsin part because I'm just giddy at the prospect of being all alone this evening, I've been rendered immobile because I cannot seem to get up and do diddly today. It isn't the engaging content on the internet that's distracting me because I appear to be one of five people online today. It's not the television programming because right now its one of Court TVs true-crime shows and I have no clue what's going on. It isn't a lack of sleep because I went to bed at 10 and didn't wake until 8. I suppose it can only be one thing--I'm a lazy slug. *sigh*

Eventually I'm going to have to drag myself from my bed and supervise the showering and dressing of the two kiddos and make myself presentable. Then, I'll drop them where they need to be and proceed to my favorite steak place and get something takeout for dinner ( steak and chicken combo that is to die for...rib-eye and marinated chicken breast, both of which just melt in your mouth), eat in front of something on my DVR backlog, and at 7, treat myself to the movies-Music and Lyrics. I really SHOULD be cleaning something, sorting something or doing sme sort of household improvements or at the very least going to the Y and using some sort of equipment, but that just seems so very daunting right now. I really am a lazy slug, it seems.

I Watched the Grammys

I'm a bitch about fashion and hair even though I really have no basis for making any statements about such things. I watch all the award shows and critique the appearance of those famous people because it's my way of living the high life without shopping anywhere more exotic than Target and Old Navy.

After the shows, I then sit through the countless fashion review shows and columns because I'm just that pathetic. So, as I've read and watched, I've been shocked and dismayed that no one has called Christina Aguilera to the red carpet for her horrific choices in hair and makeup:



Girl looks like she needs to wash her dirrty face and that hair? OMG, her hair. Who on earth does this girl's hair? She has GRAY roots. Gray. Who in the world strives to have gray roots? And then lets them be visible for photos and television coverage? It boggles my mind. She's trying to be all galm, forties, pin-up, but she looks like a characature and I do not mean that in any sort of good way.

Her Ungaro dress? Eh, pretty enough, but until she takes control of her hair and face she's dead to me.

I? Am Spartacus.

You know, while I have some pretty strong political views, opinions and brain farts, I don't normally blog them since I'm not so much about the serious. However, once again, I'll just throw something out in support of someone who was essentially told to shut the fuck up by those who can't handle disagreement, dissention or intelligent discussion. Suddenly, my blog has a theme all on one page--how handy that there is a little theme song plugged in. Please enjoy this multi-media experience for free on me while you consider the fact threatening someone who challenges your way of thinking with violence is just inexcusably pansy-assed and reprehensible. If your ideas are strong enough to believe in, then they should damn well be strong enough to stand on their own merit and be defended through intelligent dialogue and thoughtful debate. You shouldn't have to resort to whipping a bunch of zealots and media whores into a flame-frenzy or stoop to suggestions of violence or personal harm. That, my dears, is nothing short of pathetic.

For more information and backstory, check out Driftglass, or Cenk Uygur at The Huffington Post, or check out the oh-so-evil blog itself over at Shakespeare's Sister. Oh, but be careful! You might actually have to think for yourself or have an opinion other than that of some blabberhead on Faux News. Eeeek

Best.Damn.Song.Ever.

Congrats to The Dixie Chicks for winning:
Song of the Year
Record of the Year
Country Album of the Year
Country Song by a Duo or Group
Album of the Year

tonight at the Grammys. I don't usually care if a song has a message or a point or meaning, but this one does and it gets me every time I listen to it. Kudos to them for recording the best fuck-you-idiots anthem in the history of music and for not backing down on their opinions. Everyone is entitled to speak her mind, whether folks agree or not and to suggest that they should be arrested, maimed, killed, etc. is just beyond insane. It's a sad commentary on myriad things that are wrong with the thought-police mentality that has swept through this country lately--this Stepfordian attitude that we must all look, act, think and love just alike or else we're not only wrong, but we're unAmerican, terrorists or devil worshipers. Enough.

It's a sad, sad story

That a mother will teach her daughter

that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.

And how in the world

Can the words that I said

Send somebody so over the edge

That they'd write me a letter

Saying that I better shut up and sing

Or my life will be over

Damn straight. Sing it, girls. Sing it loud. Not everyone that listens to country music or lives in a red state thinks that opinions in women are somehow offensive.

VIDEO REMOVED BECAUSE THE MUSIC WAS NONSTOP.

Look Before You Puff

I'm now a card-carrying, auto-paying member of the local YMCA. This in and of itself is rather amusing since I'm fairly sure no one who knows me or just happens to see me would think, "She likes exercise", but I have accepted the fact that one cannot look like an exerciser without actually exercising. So, I go.

Just getting there is an adventure--see the Embarrassing Post below for one of many examples--because I'm not particularly good at keeping up with things such as sneakers, Y cards, gym bags and all that. I have one bag that I've used as a workout bag for years that I finally unearthed at work. It was under my desk and filled with remnants from our trip to the state fair (in September) and numerous elementary drama books that I evidently decided to move from home to school. Or something. I don't actually know where they came from or why they were in the bag. My memory is totally blank. But I found the bag, which was the important part.

I have one really bad knee and one almost-as-bad-but-not-surgically-altered-knee, so now that I've decided to be all fit and shit, I am having to be cautious when I do any sort of cardio. I'm taking water aerobics 2x per week and going to the fitness center two or three days, too. I used to be a treadmill kind of girl, but that was before the knee and everyone tells me that I need to be very careful using the treadmill since there is a lot of shock on the knee. I've done it, but not much. It did hurt a little bit, but not terribly. But the treadmill gets sort of boring, even when I get to watch the little attache television (frankly, one of the main reason I like to go to the gym at night is to watch TNT uninterrupted).

I've tried the recumbant bike (see previous post) and I like it, but I realize that I have to mix things up, so, I decided to give the ol' elliptical machine another try. Pre-surgery, I couldn't do the stupid thing because it absolutely killed my knee. Oh, and I was such a fat slug that it nearly killed me, too. I finally gave up even trying at my old gym...it was too depressing.

I vowed to try again--after all, how hard can it be? There are scads of people on the things every time I'm in there and they are all just flitting around on the things like they haven't a care in the world. So, I try since my knee is slightly better, but I quickly decide that I'm still a fat slug because that machine? It is of the devil. Satan has an entire room filled with those suckers just waiting on me in hell (on a fresh carpet of Easter grass and Legos with a soundtrack of bluegrass and rap music in the background, I'm sure). How the HELL do those perky little wenches jump up and down on the damn things like they're on trampolines or something? I can go for miles on the bike or treadmill, but on this? I think I did .5 in 10 minutes. And that was as far as I could go. I laugh at the little signs posted on each machine that says, "during peak times of 5pm to 7pm, please limit your time on this machine to 30 minutes." ROFLMAO. Okay, no problem. I'll be glad to spend 30 minutes on it--can I just stand there and watch television for 20 minutes or so?

After the whopping 10-minute workout, my thighs were burning, my calves were in knots and I was wheezing, which is always attractive and impressive in a gym setting. I realized that I didn't want to die of an asthma attack in the YMCA--even I have some pride--so, I staggered from the fitness area to my locker, dug around in my gym bag, finally found my inhaler tucked under a brush and some lotion and a plethora of flotsam left over from the fair trip and I puffed.

And then I nearly died.

Why? Well, because it had been in the bottom of my tote along with some Cheez-It crumbs. I inhaled fucking Cheez-Its into my lungs and that, my friends, burns like a sombitch. Glass shards, ricin, volcanic ash and Cheez-It crumbs. All can be lethal. It took me several minutes to recover and be able to breathe normally. After that, cardio was done for this fat girl. I decided to take my chances in the pool since there is lots of humidity that I figured would be healing on my poor, scarred lungs.

I'll be back on that damn machine come Monday because now it's a challenge--I have to be able to do better (albeit when it is not crowded in the fitness area because I don't like flailing in front of fit folks), but in the future I will use the inhaler before I step on the stupid machine...after I've checked for foreign objects, of course.

How Depressing

How it can be possible that "riding" 3 miles in 20 minutes on one of those recumbant bikes burns less than 100 calories even when you use one of those pre-programmed routes and ramp up the incline thing a notch. I mean, seriously, that should be worth like 300 calories at LEAST.

This fitness thing is starting to piss.me.off.