I teach 6th grade Creative Dramatics, which usually involves having class in our huge theater where we can get up and move around. No such luck today. We're having to watch a video because we were booted from the theater because of D.A.R.E. graduation. My room is not really large enough for 30 6th graders--I only have 26 desks, so some have to sit in chairs. Anyway, here's a real time update of our day today:
8:00--come in the room and find a seat. Fight over who gets to sit in a chair. There is one desk left and two girls who want to sit together. Neither wants to sit in the desk. They stare at it as if it is magically going to split in two. Needless to say it doesn't, so I have to order one of them to go sit in a chair and leave her bosom friend behind. Tragic.
8:03--everyone is seated. "Why aren't we in the theater?" "Can we go watch D.A.R.E?". etc.
8:05-I tell them they have two choices: Watch a movie--Night at the Museum--or we'll do a report on Shakespeare. "Who is Shakespeare?". "Can we get extra credit?" "What if we want to do both?" "Can I get a drink of water?"
8:07--Movie in and on. Chaos ensues. So-and-so can't see because of X (person, position, angle, height). Much moving and shuffling ensues. Very loud kid in back asks me who is on my poster--it's Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca--so I tell him and immediately have to point out that he did NOT play Inspector Gadget. Loud kid is moved to the front table.
8:09--other kid at the front table is in my office chair with broken arm rests and pretends to be wounded from sharp plastic. I suggest he move, and he's suddenly healed.
8:10-movie starts
8:13--I take up a note from my repeat note offender.
8:16-small scuffle breaks out between the two table boys because the 1st kid is pretending that the piece of arm rest is a pet and he won't let the other kid pet it. Seriously. Sixth graders. I kid you not.
8:19--"Can we skip the beginning and just get to the good parts?"
8:20--one kid is playing with his hair another is kicking a table leg.
8:25--I turn off the rest of the lights.
8:29--random discussions about decapitation, why a skeleton can drink, people's favorite part coming up as he gets off an elevator and runs in a room with Lewis and Clark and the Civil War.
8:35-tremendous laughter when there is monkey pee. Really, who doesn't laugh at monkey pee, though.
8:39-have to tell the girls to quit whispering
8:40-have to have one girl move because she doesn't understand "don't talk"
8:43-one kid is cold.
8:44--two more are cold. and another.
8:43-one more cold, one is hot and one girl likes my eyeshadow. I drag out my pliers to turn on the heat.
8:45-random plot questions
8:47--I see some kid doing a weird hand signal that involves him sucking on his fingers and pointing at another boy (whose mother I taught in 1995. I'm OLD).
8:48-room is unbearably hot, so off goes the heat.
8:48.5-girl with a history of major grand mal seizures gets down in the floor beside her desk and nearly gives me a heart attack. She just wanted to be more comfortable watching the video
8:50-random humming from unknown source
8:51-another kid is doing the finger wiggling move, so it obviously means something more. and yes, it is, a third kid (boy with the pet armrest) is doing it back. I have to fuss and it stops.
8:52-chatty girls redux
8:53--or does it? sheesh. TREVOR, PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.
8:54--drumming again. LANE, STOP IT!.
8:55-time to wrap up. Frankly, it's easier to have a " real class"
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Is There Really a Market for These?
So, I've been watching a lot of television since my most recent knee-related surgical intervention (the Demerol allows me the temporary delusion that I don't USUALLY watch several hours of television per night) , and since I watch almost nothing but cabl--specifically TNT, USA, Bravo, MSNBC and truTV--, I see a lot of second tier advertising, and the product of the moment seems to be Barack Obama plates and coins. Who, pray tell, is buying the multitudes of dollars, half dollars and other Liberian legal tender brandished with full color images of Barack Obama? I say multitudes, but that might be hyperbole on my part since the ever-so persuasive voiceover man assures me that there will only be "65 firing days before the molds are destroyed"--this has such an air of finality to it, don't you think? I suppose it's supposed to make me frantically pick up the phone and get my order in before the chance has passed...hold it. I just took a moment and did the math and the 65th day passed sometime around January 8 or 9...that makes the end of days for ordering seem that much nearer.
Sidenote: I'm not very good at exact numbers, which should demonstrate exactly why I suck ass in the math department, forgive me, Joy Parker, please, forgive me. It's not your fault. I blame Mr. Anthony and his constant threats about "building a barn" as he thwacked his paddle menacingly his hand that basically caused me to go into total mental shutdown when I walked into math class in 5th grade...and wtf did "building a barn" mean, exactly?
Anyway, middle school moment aside, what to do, what to do. I'm as big a fan of Obama as the next person...okay, not Kari because she harbors unclean thoughts about him, but the average fiscally conservative, socially liberal, almost-middle-aged, suburban America old, fat white chick, and for the life of me I can't figure out what the draw is. Not even the promise of receiving a signed Certificate of Authenticity AND an attractive bonus display stand can make me take the plunge and plunk down the $19.99 required to hang Obama on china on my dining room wall. This is me assuming, of course, that one displays decorative political dishware in one's dining room. And does the certificate ensure the plate will hold its resale value on the resale market? And is there a viable secondary market for Obamania plates and coins? I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on the present-day equivalent to the Apple IPO. Will I be kicking myself for not securing a piece of American history?
Sweet Jesus, hold the phone, I've found the motherlode! A website that sells both 'collectibles of the highest quality", the coin AND The Historic Victory Plate, which features
a priceless work of art featuring the triumphant President-Elect surrounded by the American flag and spectacular fireworks celebration.Well, if the fireworks don't seal the deal for you, then you're just unAmerican (not a big threat for many of you since according to various folks on FOX, you're already unAmerican because you voted for Obama and against the constitution, the flag (pins and all) and Jesus). Keep in mind that "due to the unprecedented demand there is a strict limit of two per caller, so give your kids the CC# and a phone so they can get their orders in quick, too. Oh, damn, all sarcasm aside, I see that the website has the "As Seen on TV" logo and that gives me pause. While others may mock and jeer, I'm a longtime fan of the ASOTV products...old-time friends may remember the Pasta Pro Cooker that Five gave me when he was about 7 and, say what you want, the most ingenious personal grooming product of the 21st century, the Ped Egg, is a staple in the ASOTV catalog of fine products. Could the plate and coin REALLY be that bad after all? Perhaps they ARE truly a deal to be considered?......oh, wait...
This first collectors issue plate celebrates with the inscription "Change Has Come" scripted in 22K Gold text. The back displays the seal of the American Historic Society and documents the historic electoral and popular vote totals on election day.And like that, the bloom is off the rose. Dear Mr. Marketing Director for the American historic Society, if you can't use apostrophes correctly? Don't expect me to take your investment advice seriously.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Politics
Once upon a time, I was a Republican. I admit this now to offer hope to those who have not yet seen the light. I was not just a little Republican, either. I was a vote-the-ticket, Democrats-are-evil, hate-everything-about-Bill-Clinton 100 percent GOP voter. I did this because I was raised in a Republican household and because I was really a one or two issue voter--lower my taxes and quit giving my money to lazy people who use food stamps and welfare. All of this changed when I became a fan of reality tv...Survivor to be specific. An odd leap, you say? Well, yes. Yes it was, but I can say with absolute confidence that what turned my thinking around was the thoughtful and persuasive writing of some really smart Survivor watchers.
Many of my bloggy friends know what OT is because they have hung out there too, but for those who don't, it's the Off Topic board on Reality TV World. Like most off topic forums, a little bit of everything gets discussed and on OT, politics is somewhat of a bloodsport. I went in a staunch Republican and came away a moderate Democrat thanks in no small part to reading the postings--civil and not--from landru, tech noir, mistofleas, buggy, dave, history detective, wheezy and countless others. I was able, for the first time in my adult life, to really look at things from a different perspective. Over the course of a year or so, I found myself changing sides and now consider myself a Democrat, albeit a moderate to conservative one when it comes to taxes and money.
All of that is background to explain this: Rush Limbaugh is a big fat obnoxious dummy. Bill O'Reilly makes me want to scream. Sean Hannity scares me. And my parents watch nothing but Fox news...blech. I've been really disgusted to see how the talking nimrods have reacted to Obama's first week in office. It saddens me to see that some adults simply can't put away the childish things and work together to achieve a common good. Shame on them. Shame, shame, shame.
Many of my bloggy friends know what OT is because they have hung out there too, but for those who don't, it's the Off Topic board on Reality TV World. Like most off topic forums, a little bit of everything gets discussed and on OT, politics is somewhat of a bloodsport. I went in a staunch Republican and came away a moderate Democrat thanks in no small part to reading the postings--civil and not--from landru, tech noir, mistofleas, buggy, dave, history detective, wheezy and countless others. I was able, for the first time in my adult life, to really look at things from a different perspective. Over the course of a year or so, I found myself changing sides and now consider myself a Democrat, albeit a moderate to conservative one when it comes to taxes and money.
All of that is background to explain this: Rush Limbaugh is a big fat obnoxious dummy. Bill O'Reilly makes me want to scream. Sean Hannity scares me. And my parents watch nothing but Fox news...blech. I've been really disgusted to see how the talking nimrods have reacted to Obama's first week in office. It saddens me to see that some adults simply can't put away the childish things and work together to achieve a common good. Shame on them. Shame, shame, shame.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Random
When you have a giant black brace on your leg, I don't care how cute your clothes are or how perfect your hair and makeup are, you look like a schlub.
At age 39 things that would have been hilariously entertaining at a bar when you were 20 are simply obnoxiously self-serving attention whoring.
I do not enjoy strange men putting their hands on my shoes.
Sometimes a cake CAN have too much icing.
Just because someone is famous, she is not automatically a good public speaker.
No one ever told me how much time grading papers the right way actually takes.
If Sam isn't hungry because his stomach feels sort of weird, do NOT let him drink grape soda.
Sometimes popcorn can make things better.
Stitches itch like hell after a week or so.
Even if she is beautiful, there's something really distressing about being told you look just like your mom did 20 years ago.
At age 39 things that would have been hilariously entertaining at a bar when you were 20 are simply obnoxiously self-serving attention whoring.
I do not enjoy strange men putting their hands on my shoes.
Sometimes a cake CAN have too much icing.
Just because someone is famous, she is not automatically a good public speaker.
No one ever told me how much time grading papers the right way actually takes.
If Sam isn't hungry because his stomach feels sort of weird, do NOT let him drink grape soda.
Sometimes popcorn can make things better.
Stitches itch like hell after a week or so.
Even if she is beautiful, there's something really distressing about being told you look just like your mom did 20 years ago.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Grand Plan 2009
Resolutions are so '08, aren't they? And who the hell actually carries through with them anyway? I'm going to focus instead on creating a sort of roadmap for myself for 2009.
- Distance myself from toxic people. This one may be a smidge harder than it sounds since by all accounts, I'm the most toxic person in my life, but I shall strive to limit the power that the negative folks have over me.
- When I resist change ask myself WWPFD? This is an acronym for What Would Pxx Fxxxxx Do? PF is a woman that I used to work with who was like a human Eeyore. Change was always bad. Everyone else's ideas were always bad. It was as if she couldn't find anything positive in an idea unless it was hers. I've found myself taking on this attitude lately and it was sobering. From now on it's WWPFD? and then Kim does the opposite.
- Read more intellectually stimulating material. As much as I enjoy reading NYMag or various gossipy sites and the Bravo blogs, I've simply got to refine my reading before I turn into one of those lameass people who can list all the current socialites or identify Top Chef dish creators by simply looking at a plate of food. When I'm more up-to-date on current pop culture and gossip than my senior English class, we have a problem.
- Resume some form of healthy movement. Walking to and from the fridge carrying a laptop isn't going to pull my ass up off my mid-thigh and far too many of my clothing items are becoming sausage casingesque.
- Interact more. I've become a virtual and literal hermit. My idea of the perfect evening is to climb in my bed with my laptop and remote control and just tune out for two or three hours before falling asleep. Needless to say this does nothing for my social life.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Goodbye 2008!
I'm really not one for big New Year's shindigs. I'm a total homebody and too old to be very social past ten anyway. The past few years I've spent the evening at my parents' house with some cousins, my aunt and my kids. It's a nice excuse to hang out and eat really good food.
2008 has been sort of a meh year for me. No real highlights, no real lowlights. Very even keel. I'm not in so much of a hurry to see it go as I am to move on and get a so-called fresh start on stuff. My friend Michelle and I have declared that 2009 will be OUR year because we both deserve it for no better reason than we said so. I'm going to be 40 in March, so that alone is reason to direct everything toward me.
Now for a quick NYE poll post:
1. Do you go out on NYE?
2. Do you drink champagne on NYE?
3. Do you kiss someone at midnight?
4. What's your most memorable NYE?
5. Did you watch Dick Clark every NYE growing up?
I'm off to appear helpful and/or maternal for a bit. I'm sure I'll end up trolling on facebook and blogs later tonight. If you're around and bored, email me at kimmmah at gmail dot com (that's THREE m's in kimmmah for the email; the normal spelling will direct you to a kimmah that is not me. bitch took my gmail name) and perhaps we can chit chat.
Go enjoy what is left of 2008--the year that we did NOT elect Sarah Palin to national office, thankyoujesus.
2008 has been sort of a meh year for me. No real highlights, no real lowlights. Very even keel. I'm not in so much of a hurry to see it go as I am to move on and get a so-called fresh start on stuff. My friend Michelle and I have declared that 2009 will be OUR year because we both deserve it for no better reason than we said so. I'm going to be 40 in March, so that alone is reason to direct everything toward me.
Now for a quick NYE poll post:
1. Do you go out on NYE?
2. Do you drink champagne on NYE?
3. Do you kiss someone at midnight?
4. What's your most memorable NYE?
5. Did you watch Dick Clark every NYE growing up?
I'm off to appear helpful and/or maternal for a bit. I'm sure I'll end up trolling on facebook and blogs later tonight. If you're around and bored, email me at kimmmah at gmail dot com (that's THREE m's in kimmmah for the email; the normal spelling will direct you to a kimmah that is not me. bitch took my gmail name) and perhaps we can chit chat.
Go enjoy what is left of 2008--the year that we did NOT elect Sarah Palin to national office, thankyoujesus.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Yet Another Only In Kim's World Story
I've said many times before that my life is like a poorly written sitcom in many ways. I'm like the quirky protagonist who gets into scrapes either by sheer stupidity, lack of responsible thinking skills, unfortunate human circumstance or complete physical incompetence. It's just what I do. Because of this, my trips out in public can fraught with mishaps, accidents and/or hilarity. Trips to Wal Mart are prime settings for stupid and yesterday was no exception.
First of all, I should tell you that I talk to myself. A lot. Out loud. As I get older, I do it more and more. I probably look like Sybil's daughter as I walk up and down the aisles (without a list 9 times out of 10) and try to get things from stores like Wal Mart or Kroger. Inevitably when I get to the back far corner of Super Wal mart, it dawns on me that I need something from the health and beauty section...and that's what happened yesterday. We've had a total Wal Mart redo, so backtracking is even more time-consuming than it should be since I only hit the evil empire every six weeks or so (they remodeled the entire non-food merchandise side in between my visits in the spring--talk about feeling like Alice in the rabbit hole. I walked in and saw a plywood pharmacy in the entrance way and was like wtf??).
Anyway, I was loading four packs of Sugar Free Red Bull (damn, that stuff is expensive, btw, but will be in my fridge for the near future anyway. sorry, true!) when it dawned on me that I had to go get some deodorant because I'd forgotten it the previous two trips. So, talking to myself the whole way, I made my diagonal path to the other side of the stupid enormous Wal Mart and found the proper aisle. W. isn't brand-loyal on deodorant--just low price loyal. This week it was Speed Stick's million varieties on sale. I never can remember what smell to buy because men's deodorant names are just ridiculous. Athletic, sports scent, thunderstorm, clean fresh, power surge, waterfalls...they don't make any sense, really. At least for me. All I know is I never buy unscented because deodorant, IMO, is one of the things that SHOULD be scented artificially because the natural smell is just unfortunate. Faced with the dizzying array of choices, I decided I needed to smell them to make a choice.
I picked up the first choice and smelled. Nothing. Speedstick's package is a weird flat oval shape with a very tight lid that controls the scent Under the lid is this annoying piece of plastic,molded to the top of the stick. It has a very user-unfriendly 'handle' that you have to pull or twist or pry off. WHY can't they just have a sticker like the best girl deodorant in the world, Secret Clinical?
I tug on the little tab/lid to release some scent. No luck. Tug again. Nope. Try to twist. No budge. Pick up another one, repeat. No smelling. In a fit of exasperation, I do a combo pull/twist at about the same time I lean in a bit...and yes, the tab came loose. So loose, in fact, that my hand snapped up uncontrollably and the tab handle thing smacked right into my lip while the opening of the deodorant mashed into my chin. I'm pretty sure I said, "SHIT!" out loud, in Wal Mart, on Christmas Eve, but when one draws blood with a personal hygiene product, it is acceptable, IMO. Needless to say, I got a good whiff of the scent since it was gummed on my chin. At that point, I decided that since it didn't smell of death or bubble gum, that was the chosen one. I gathered what was left of my dignity, rubbed the smear of Speed Stick off my face, ducked my head to hide my slightly split lip and got the hell out of Dodge.
Merry Christmas!
First of all, I should tell you that I talk to myself. A lot. Out loud. As I get older, I do it more and more. I probably look like Sybil's daughter as I walk up and down the aisles (without a list 9 times out of 10) and try to get things from stores like Wal Mart or Kroger. Inevitably when I get to the back far corner of Super Wal mart, it dawns on me that I need something from the health and beauty section...and that's what happened yesterday. We've had a total Wal Mart redo, so backtracking is even more time-consuming than it should be since I only hit the evil empire every six weeks or so (they remodeled the entire non-food merchandise side in between my visits in the spring--talk about feeling like Alice in the rabbit hole. I walked in and saw a plywood pharmacy in the entrance way and was like wtf??).
Anyway, I was loading four packs of Sugar Free Red Bull (damn, that stuff is expensive, btw, but will be in my fridge for the near future anyway. sorry, true!) when it dawned on me that I had to go get some deodorant because I'd forgotten it the previous two trips. So, talking to myself the whole way, I made my diagonal path to the other side of the stupid enormous Wal Mart and found the proper aisle. W. isn't brand-loyal on deodorant--just low price loyal. This week it was Speed Stick's million varieties on sale. I never can remember what smell to buy because men's deodorant names are just ridiculous. Athletic, sports scent, thunderstorm, clean fresh, power surge, waterfalls...they don't make any sense, really. At least for me. All I know is I never buy unscented because deodorant, IMO, is one of the things that SHOULD be scented artificially because the natural smell is just unfortunate. Faced with the dizzying array of choices, I decided I needed to smell them to make a choice.
I picked up the first choice and smelled. Nothing. Speedstick's package is a weird flat oval shape with a very tight lid that controls the scent Under the lid is this annoying piece of plastic,molded to the top of the stick. It has a very user-unfriendly 'handle' that you have to pull or twist or pry off. WHY can't they just have a sticker like the best girl deodorant in the world, Secret Clinical?
I tug on the little tab/lid to release some scent. No luck. Tug again. Nope. Try to twist. No budge. Pick up another one, repeat. No smelling. In a fit of exasperation, I do a combo pull/twist at about the same time I lean in a bit...and yes, the tab came loose. So loose, in fact, that my hand snapped up uncontrollably and the tab handle thing smacked right into my lip while the opening of the deodorant mashed into my chin. I'm pretty sure I said, "SHIT!" out loud, in Wal Mart, on Christmas Eve, but when one draws blood with a personal hygiene product, it is acceptable, IMO. Needless to say, I got a good whiff of the scent since it was gummed on my chin. At that point, I decided that since it didn't smell of death or bubble gum, that was the chosen one. I gathered what was left of my dignity, rubbed the smear of Speed Stick off my face, ducked my head to hide my slightly split lip and got the hell out of Dodge.
Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Things I Need for Christmas
As I get older and older and older and older...you get the idea that 40 is looming, yes?...I have a harder time trying to figure out what I need for Christmas. W. and I are not lavish gift givers--I usually buy my own gifts from him. We have never really felt the need to spend the big bucks and, for the past few years, we haven't had loads of extra money lying around come holiday time. He humors my annual jaunts to England or New York or Atlanta or Europe (I leave March 31 for a ten-day trip, woohoo!) and I go out in public with him when he wears overalls (handyman stores only. I have my standards). I do, however, have to cough up a list for my sister, my mom and MIL. This year's was particularly exciting--get ready:
1. an electric skillet. I had no idea I needed one until I realized that I didn't have one AND that I can't fry anything on my stove because one side of the pan is always hotter than the other.
2. a ginormous tote bag/purse/carry-on thing that I think will look tres chic in Paris and Rome and will probably only use on such trips. But it's really pretty.
3. a laptop case. Just because.
4. a new travel charger and a steamer
Try not to drool--it's a great list, I know. I also really need new kitchen towels and dishrags as well as all new baking sheets (I do actually cook, thankyouverymuch), but I'll just look for those when I shop a bit after the holidays. The list is pathetic, I know. I started to put some more exciting things on the list like perfume, but A. it's so damned expensive and B. I don't really NEED it. Thus my list is a yawn (better than W.'s which includes new overalls and something for his chainsaw) and that's depressing. I refuse to be depressed during the holidays--especially while there is vodka and my new obsession sugar free Red Bull in the house, so here is my Pretend Christmas List.
I need/want
1. a Scantron machine for grading bubble sheets. yeah, that's geeky gift, but it would be such a HUGE quality of life booster that I'm willing to be a geek for it.
2. a vacuum cleaner that doesn't require unwinding the cord in order to use the hose thingy. But it has to be a Dyson vacuum because I will never own another brand. Ever. They're that good.
3. something that will make my keys findable instantly when I am ready to leave the house. It's pathetic, really, that someone who has graduated from college not one, not two, but FOUR frigging times cannot keep up with keys. Or sunglasses, for that matter. If I was all absent-minded professory and lost in a fog of theorems and policy, that would be one thing, but the most pressing thing on my mind most days is "What should my facebook status update say?" or "Why can't I remember to put the tights that are too short for me in the trash when I take them off instead of putting them with the other ones and then wearing them to work yet again?". So you can see, my shortcomings are not even remotely quirky--just ridiculous. I need a smart person to configure such a device--the key thing, I mean, not something quirky.
4. a highlighting cap that doesn't take forever and a day to pull hair through AND also doesn't cause pain to the wearer. I'm bored with my hair and want to do blonder highlights, but I don't dare just brush them on because I'll end up with transparent chunks if past performance is any indicator. I'd also like a personal hair stylist to come do my hair color monthly, but that would be greedy. Plus, I'd have to clean my house before she came up.
5. my own bowling ball. There. I said it. Laugh, point, jeer. I don't care. Using a house ball is KILLING my old, arthritic hands and making teaching very difficult, not to mention making practicing impossible.
6. a self cleaning refrigerator. They can do this with ovens. Why not step it up and do it for fridges? I realize that ovens use heat for the process, BUT once upon a time, I thought that self-cleaning ovens had some sort of foam in them that you just pushed a button for like that EZ-Off stuff that you spray--you know the stuff. I was utterly shocked to find out that all the supposedly miraculous self-cleaning ovens just got really, really hot. So I'm thinking a fridge that has some sort of dispenser is totally doable...just get one of those professory types to work out all the details.
1. an electric skillet. I had no idea I needed one until I realized that I didn't have one AND that I can't fry anything on my stove because one side of the pan is always hotter than the other.
2. a ginormous tote bag/purse/carry-on thing that I think will look tres chic in Paris and Rome and will probably only use on such trips. But it's really pretty.
3. a laptop case. Just because.
4. a new travel charger and a steamer
Try not to drool--it's a great list, I know. I also really need new kitchen towels and dishrags as well as all new baking sheets (I do actually cook, thankyouverymuch), but I'll just look for those when I shop a bit after the holidays. The list is pathetic, I know. I started to put some more exciting things on the list like perfume, but A. it's so damned expensive and B. I don't really NEED it. Thus my list is a yawn (better than W.'s which includes new overalls and something for his chainsaw) and that's depressing. I refuse to be depressed during the holidays--especially while there is vodka and my new obsession sugar free Red Bull in the house, so here is my Pretend Christmas List.
I need/want
1. a Scantron machine for grading bubble sheets. yeah, that's geeky gift, but it would be such a HUGE quality of life booster that I'm willing to be a geek for it.
2. a vacuum cleaner that doesn't require unwinding the cord in order to use the hose thingy. But it has to be a Dyson vacuum because I will never own another brand. Ever. They're that good.
3. something that will make my keys findable instantly when I am ready to leave the house. It's pathetic, really, that someone who has graduated from college not one, not two, but FOUR frigging times cannot keep up with keys. Or sunglasses, for that matter. If I was all absent-minded professory and lost in a fog of theorems and policy, that would be one thing, but the most pressing thing on my mind most days is "What should my facebook status update say?" or "Why can't I remember to put the tights that are too short for me in the trash when I take them off instead of putting them with the other ones and then wearing them to work yet again?". So you can see, my shortcomings are not even remotely quirky--just ridiculous. I need a smart person to configure such a device--the key thing, I mean, not something quirky.
4. a highlighting cap that doesn't take forever and a day to pull hair through AND also doesn't cause pain to the wearer. I'm bored with my hair and want to do blonder highlights, but I don't dare just brush them on because I'll end up with transparent chunks if past performance is any indicator. I'd also like a personal hair stylist to come do my hair color monthly, but that would be greedy. Plus, I'd have to clean my house before she came up.
5. my own bowling ball. There. I said it. Laugh, point, jeer. I don't care. Using a house ball is KILLING my old, arthritic hands and making teaching very difficult, not to mention making practicing impossible.
6. a self cleaning refrigerator. They can do this with ovens. Why not step it up and do it for fridges? I realize that ovens use heat for the process, BUT once upon a time, I thought that self-cleaning ovens had some sort of foam in them that you just pushed a button for like that EZ-Off stuff that you spray--you know the stuff. I was utterly shocked to find out that all the supposedly miraculous self-cleaning ovens just got really, really hot. So I'm thinking a fridge that has some sort of dispenser is totally doable...just get one of those professory types to work out all the details.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Reclaiming My Sanity
To say I've been in something of a mental rut lately would be an understatement...I've been bordering on batshit crazy. It finally dawned on me today that a great deal of my problem is my abandonment of productive things that I enjoy such as blogging, working out, reading in lieu of total wastes of time like playing Mafia Wars or reading umpteen million political blogs and assessments. So, I've made my resolutions for 2009 and number one on the list is, really, blogging.
I've blogged for years--way back when no one knew what a blog was or how to blog there was Kim, blathering away. And then I got lazy. Lately I've been totally uninspired. Nothing particularly interesting has happened since my unfortunate encounter with the catheter bag in the parking lot last summer, but by golly, I'm going to try to find humor in the mundane. It's what I used to be able to do. Yes? Well, of course it is--my life is the personification of mundane.
I think perhaps that part of my mental overload must be attributed to my most recent teaching adventure: my role as the varsity bowling coach. Yes, I, Kimmah the Uncoordinated, She Whose Only Sport is Fantasty Football, is coaching a sport that she cannot play. Funny how life works that way, isn't it? They needed a coach and Five wanted to bowl, so I thought, "What the hell?". What the hell, indeed.
First of all, I knew nothing--NOTHING--about bowling. I didn't know, for example, that you don't actually aim for the front pin aka the head pin. Who knew? And that you are supposed to spin the ball. Had no idea about scoring, either. Or that it was actually interesting to watch. I'm not ashamed to say that I have now become a high school bowling junkie. This is a good thing since it has engulfed my life this fall. Despite being an unpaid coach, I found myself at the bowling alley three or four times a week. Ostensibly to 'coach', but really just to supervise and be there for moral support. See, our team sort of sucked a bit. Not through much fault of their own--they have had no actual coaching in two years--lots of bad habits, sloppy execution and total cluelessness. Slowly but surely, I've prodded them into shape and encouraged/threatened them to improve. One advantage to being a female coach in a sport coached almost exclusively by bowling league men is being able to play the clueless card. I've had three different coaches from other teams offer to help my boys. We've gotten a coaching clinic lined up for next week to get them ready for the district tournament in January because they know I'm totally in over my head technique-wise.
My boys only won two matches this year, but they were competitive in five other matches. The scoring in bowling is a bit misleading--you get points for head-to-head matches as well as total pin count. We get killed in pin count even when we tie in head-to-heads. You have six bowlers at a time in a match and we cannot seem to get six guys on their game at a time. My top guy, A., is the top bowler in the district--he had a 300 game two weeks ago--so he's not a problem. My other seven starters, though, have been all over the place. Had a kid bowl a 109 one game and a 199 the next. Ugh. Over the season, though, we've had MAJOR improvement and I think next year we will see a great improvement. I've got guys averaging 170 in matches where they used to average 120 or 130. If only we can get all of them on the same page.
My girls' team is much, MUCH weaker than my boys'. They've been savaged in almost every match, blesstheirhearts. I've focused on the boys' team and my assistant/helping coach/assistant principal has been with them during matches. I'm going to be working with them a lot between this season and next to try and get them straightened out. The good thing about them not being as good as the boys is that I can actually teach them and help them--they're not all hook shot and backspin. I've taken a coaching class, so I can help them fix their problems. Maybe.
This has no humor whatsoever, lmao, but at least I've written more than a line or two about how I never blog. It's a start, no?
I've blogged for years--way back when no one knew what a blog was or how to blog there was Kim, blathering away. And then I got lazy. Lately I've been totally uninspired. Nothing particularly interesting has happened since my unfortunate encounter with the catheter bag in the parking lot last summer, but by golly, I'm going to try to find humor in the mundane. It's what I used to be able to do. Yes? Well, of course it is--my life is the personification of mundane.
I think perhaps that part of my mental overload must be attributed to my most recent teaching adventure: my role as the varsity bowling coach. Yes, I, Kimmah the Uncoordinated, She Whose Only Sport is Fantasty Football, is coaching a sport that she cannot play. Funny how life works that way, isn't it? They needed a coach and Five wanted to bowl, so I thought, "What the hell?". What the hell, indeed.
First of all, I knew nothing--NOTHING--about bowling. I didn't know, for example, that you don't actually aim for the front pin aka the head pin. Who knew? And that you are supposed to spin the ball. Had no idea about scoring, either. Or that it was actually interesting to watch. I'm not ashamed to say that I have now become a high school bowling junkie. This is a good thing since it has engulfed my life this fall. Despite being an unpaid coach, I found myself at the bowling alley three or four times a week. Ostensibly to 'coach', but really just to supervise and be there for moral support. See, our team sort of sucked a bit. Not through much fault of their own--they have had no actual coaching in two years--lots of bad habits, sloppy execution and total cluelessness. Slowly but surely, I've prodded them into shape and encouraged/threatened them to improve. One advantage to being a female coach in a sport coached almost exclusively by bowling league men is being able to play the clueless card. I've had three different coaches from other teams offer to help my boys. We've gotten a coaching clinic lined up for next week to get them ready for the district tournament in January because they know I'm totally in over my head technique-wise.
My boys only won two matches this year, but they were competitive in five other matches. The scoring in bowling is a bit misleading--you get points for head-to-head matches as well as total pin count. We get killed in pin count even when we tie in head-to-heads. You have six bowlers at a time in a match and we cannot seem to get six guys on their game at a time. My top guy, A., is the top bowler in the district--he had a 300 game two weeks ago--so he's not a problem. My other seven starters, though, have been all over the place. Had a kid bowl a 109 one game and a 199 the next. Ugh. Over the season, though, we've had MAJOR improvement and I think next year we will see a great improvement. I've got guys averaging 170 in matches where they used to average 120 or 130. If only we can get all of them on the same page.
My girls' team is much, MUCH weaker than my boys'. They've been savaged in almost every match, blesstheirhearts. I've focused on the boys' team and my assistant/helping coach/assistant principal has been with them during matches. I'm going to be working with them a lot between this season and next to try and get them straightened out. The good thing about them not being as good as the boys is that I can actually teach them and help them--they're not all hook shot and backspin. I've taken a coaching class, so I can help them fix their problems. Maybe.
This has no humor whatsoever, lmao, but at least I've written more than a line or two about how I never blog. It's a start, no?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tap, Tap, Tap...
Is this thing on?
My laptop died a little while back and since I've discovered the genius that is a Treo, I wasn't in my usual panic to have the laptop repaired. Then, once I talked to HP about the problem, it took forever to get the FedEx box from them to ship it because it was coming from an Ike-ravenged area. Once the box arrived, I just kept forgetting to send it. Since I able to check email, facebook and various newspapers from my phone along with reading a zillion political sites, it just wasn't a priority. I finally got off my dead arse and set it in. Upon its return (an amazing four day turn around...go HP!!), I have had all sorts of obnoxious cookie and password issues, so I've just sort of avoided going to any site that requires me to log in--WHY will Firefox not remember my effing passwords???? WHY???
But today I'm back--at least for a bit. I'm having some serious Treo-thumb/arthritis problems, which make typing difficult. I had a lovely medical saga that resulted in my dear gastrointerwhateverologist finding a ginormous ulcer in my stomach, so I can't take my beloved NSAIDs anymore. Life is a bit grim. Oh, and Homer the annoying hematoma/cyst has reared his ugly head as well.
Will be reading updates over the next few days--the holiday will be a chance to settle back in, I hope. For now, I'm going to watch my Titans go 11-0, finish highlighting my hair and try to do some de-crapifying of my house.
My laptop died a little while back and since I've discovered the genius that is a Treo, I wasn't in my usual panic to have the laptop repaired. Then, once I talked to HP about the problem, it took forever to get the FedEx box from them to ship it because it was coming from an Ike-ravenged area. Once the box arrived, I just kept forgetting to send it. Since I able to check email, facebook and various newspapers from my phone along with reading a zillion political sites, it just wasn't a priority. I finally got off my dead arse and set it in. Upon its return (an amazing four day turn around...go HP!!), I have had all sorts of obnoxious cookie and password issues, so I've just sort of avoided going to any site that requires me to log in--WHY will Firefox not remember my effing passwords???? WHY???
But today I'm back--at least for a bit. I'm having some serious Treo-thumb/arthritis problems, which make typing difficult. I had a lovely medical saga that resulted in my dear gastrointerwhateverologist finding a ginormous ulcer in my stomach, so I can't take my beloved NSAIDs anymore. Life is a bit grim. Oh, and Homer the annoying hematoma/cyst has reared his ugly head as well.
Will be reading updates over the next few days--the holiday will be a chance to settle back in, I hope. For now, I'm going to watch my Titans go 11-0, finish highlighting my hair and try to do some de-crapifying of my house.
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